


Where Should I Go?

by shellface



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, broken kenvi, tattoo artist au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-16 02:07:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9268961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shellface/pseuds/shellface
Summary: Jaehwan has been strange for months: distant, grumpy, secretive. Wonshik knows something's going on, but he can't bear to admit his perfect relationship might not be so perfect after all. Enter Hongbin: a sweet, all too sexy tattoo artist who makes him laugh, and suddenly, he finds himself torn between what he has, and what he could have.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I love tattoos. I want more tattoos. And while most of Wonshik's actual tattoos make me cringe, the idea of Hongbin tatted up was too much to resist...so this happened.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

Wonshik looks up to see a handsome man smiling at him. “Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” he mumbles back, a little confused. He assumes that he must work here – the tattoos are a bit of a giveaway – but he's never actually seen him before. He is also painfully aware that he has huge under-eye circles, and is wearing a shirt he hasn't washed in at least a week. This is not the best he has ever looked – not that he should be thinking about that. He has a boyfriend.

But surely Jaehwan wouldn't mind him _looking_?

His tattoo artist rolls his eyes. “Hongbin, can you not distract my client, please?” He asks the stranger pleasantly, not looking up from Wonshik's arm. He stretches out his elbow to find a new angle, foot easing off the pedal.

Hongbin's eyes twinkle. He gives Wonshik an appreciative look, and Wonshik knows he has a similar expression on his own face. “Sorry,” he says, not sounding particularly apologetic. “My ten o'clock didn't show, so I'm at a loose end.”

He props his arms on top of a chair. Delicately sketched birds soar up his forearms, and what little Wonshik can see of his left elbow is taken up by an intricate rendition of a design he vaguely recognises from a video game. He can tell that it is Daniel's work.

Daniel himself shakes his head – possibly at the loss of a sale – and sighing, sits back, placing the gun back down. He looks up at Hongbin. “Well, we knew he was a bit of a risk.”

“Yeah, and I really didn't fancy another tribal tattoo.” Hongbin pulls a face. “Can't people go for something a little more adventurous?”

“Get to my level, and you can start to pick and choose your clients,” Daniel says smugly. Hongbin is unfazed.

“Sure, sure,” he tells him, clearly not listening. He sits down on a nearby stool, and scoots it closer to Wonshik. “So what are you having done?”

Daniel sighs, loudly, but doesn't stop him. Wonshik coughs, clearing his throat. “Um, I'm having a rune done.”

Hongbin peers at the image imprinted on Wonshik's skin. “It looks good,” he says. “Nice choice.”

He smiles again, a slightly awkward grin that takes over his entire face. Wonshik can't help but think it makes him look both goofy and yet, even more handsome.

The guilt twists in his gut. It's not right – but he can't help it. Jaehwan is so distant lately, so disinterested in everything, that he has found himself noticing other men a lot more. He's always done it – you can't help finding people attractive, of course not – but lately, it has been much worse.

It's pathetic, but just the fact this Hongbin is even paying _attention_ to him is making him feel giddy. He can feel Daniel's curious gaze on the both of them as he starts the gun up again, and he wonders if he is judging him. He's told Daniel about Jaehwan before, in happier days. He knows he is not single.

And yet – there is something so compelling about Hongbin. Somehow, he can't stop himself laughing at his wry jokes as he gently coaxes Wonshik into opening up. By the time Daniel has finished, wiping away the excess ink (he has long since left them to their too-intense conversation) he feels like he has known Hongbin forever.

Somehow, the subject of Jaehwan never comes up. It does not slip out even as Hongbin keys his number into his phone.

The guilt is crushing, but, somehow, the allure of Hongbin's too-big smile pushes it to the back of his mind

***

When he comes home, Jaehwan is out, and he only returns much later that night, smelling of an unfamiliar perfume. He has a lot of female friends, so he tells himself to shrug it off – Jaehwan is not the type to cheat. He can't keep a secret to save his life.

Or at least, he tells himself that.

He rolls onto his side as Jaehwan slides in, reaching out to pull him into a cuddle. Jaehwan's hand – gently, but firmly – pushes him away. “Not tonight, Wonshik,” he sighs. “I'm really tired. Everything's busy at work.” He chuckles darkly. “We don't all have jobs that let us take two hours off for another fucking tattoo.”

Wonshik recoils, feeling hurt. “Jesus, Jaehwan. I was just going to hug you. What the hell did you think I was going to do?”

Jaehwan shrugs, pulling the covers over him. As usual, the duvet is further on his side than it is on Wonshik's; they're both bed hogs, but Wonshik usually lets him have more of the duvet, just because he thinks it's cute. “I'm just not in the mood,” he says curtly.

“We haven't had sex in weeks,” Wonshik reminds him. “It wouldn't be that odd for me to expect something...more.”

Jaehwan scoffs. “What do you want from me?” He asks, sounding defensive. “Sometimes you go through difficult patches, Wonshik. Can't you be patient?”

He wants to scream. He has been endlessly patient – Jaehwan has been like this for _months_ , and while he doesn't doubt he can occasionally be hard to live with, trying to snuggle with his fucking boyfriend isn't a lot to ask for.

But he doesn't say anything, too scared of starting another argument that will get his gut churning, and worry him that Jaehwan is genuinely thinking of leaving. “Okay,” he mutters resentfully. He rolls onto his other side, facing his nightstand, and tries not to let Jaehwan see how hurt he actually is.

He is desperate for Jaehwan to sigh, and reach out for him. To say sorry, that he didn't mean it, and that eventually he will feel up to it, he's just tired and a bit cranky. For him to say he loves him. But deep down, he knows he won't.

Jaehwan has always been very good at demanding his affection, but he rarely gives anything back.

***

He wakes up that morning to an empty bed, and he lies there for a second, feeling lonely and abandoned. That heavy, churning feeling is in his gut again, and secretly, he wonders how long this relationship can go on if Jaehwan is like this.

Nothing he does is ever enough – in fact, anything he does seems to irritate Jaehwan, rather than make him happy. Dinner plans constantly fall through, because Jaehwan is either busy or 'too tired.' Their anniversary was a complete washout, because Jaehwan forgot it – it was obvious, no matter how much he denied it.

He still loves him. He desperately wants this relationship to work out – they've been together for so long, and until a few months ago, he thought they could weather anything, but lately… Well, lately, he's been feeling like it's not worth it.

But every time he has a thought like that, he castigates himself. Jaehwan has done a lot for him. He's been there for a lot of shit – or at least, he thinks he has. His sister disagrees. His sister – who always tells him what she thinks, no matter how little he wants to hear it – dislikes Jaehwan to the point that she will no longer spend time with them as a couple.

She thinks he should break up with him, but how can he, when he still loves him, and has the hope that they can all work it out?

No. He passes a hand across his face, rolling onto his side. It will do no good to think about it. Slowly, he sits up, his new tattoo still sore. He stares at it for a moment.

He laughs bitterly. It's a rune that's supposed to bring love, but he doesn't think it's doing its job quite yet.

***

Try as he might, he can't lose himself in work. Usually, he is the very definition of a workaholic, and most days, he has to be pried away, but today, he just can't concentrate. He's been playing with his phone for the better part of an hour, trying to beat his high score on a game he doesn't actually enjoy that much.

Guiltily, his mind travels back to Hongbin, and the way his septum ring gave him a secret sort of thrill. He'd never get a piercing like that himself – if he's honest, he thinks it would look horrible on him – but on other people, he thinks they look amazing.

And he liked it on Hongbin. He liked a lot of things about Hongbin.

His thumb hovers over the message icon. Hongbin texted him last night, something about meeting for coffee because they got on so well. He hasn't replied because he feels guilty, but something compels him to text something about meeting today – if he's free.

The answer comes back about an hour later: _sure :_ _D_

***

Of course, he even manages to fuck up a simple coffee. It's all going rather well; they're laughing at each other's jokes, and then...Hongbin mentions something about how they should go out again.

He takes a deep breath. He should never have let this go on for so long, but being the focus of someone's attention again was just so _addicting._

“I have a boyfriend,” he cringes, “I'm really sorry I didn't tell you. I don't even know why I didn't. His name is Jaehwan.” He's rambling. He knows he's rambling, but he can't stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth. “We live together, we're just going through a bit of a bad patch, and he's never home and – ” He stops short.

Hongbin blinks back at him. He looks a little disappointed, but not devastated. In a bizarre, twisted way, Wonshik is disappointed by this. “Oh – right.” He takes a gulp of the tea in front of him. “Well, I'm sure you had your reasons.” He smiles, but it is not the smile Wonshik saw so much of earlier. “We can still be friends, right?”

“Yes,” Wonshik says immediately, even though he knows that being 'friends' is not what he wants – not by half. “Of course we can,” he adds, relieved.

Hongbin laughs at him. “You don't have to look so worried. I'm not going to go off at you for not telling me you had a boyfriend.” He shrugs. “Sometimes it's weird to talk about relationships.”

“Yeah.” Wonshik busies himself with his drink. When he looks up, Hongbin has set his drink down and is watching him, relaxed in his chair.

“Seriously, don't worry about it. I mean, don't get me wrong – I think you're hot,” he shrugs, “but I'm not going to cry about you being unavailable.” He smiles again, and this time, it seems real. “Tell me about him,” he says gently.

“There's not much to tell, I guess,” Wonshik mumbles. “He works a lot, so I don't see him much at the moment...but we've been living together for about a year. And we were together a couple of years before that, so...”

Hongbin's eyes are shrewd, and Wonshik has the uncomfortable feeling he suspects something is not quite right with Jaehwan – though how he suspects that, when Wonshik doesn't even really know himself, he's not sure. “So it's a serious relationship, then?”

“Yes,” Wonshik says hastily, “very serious.” He is aware he is trying to convince himself, rather than Hongbin.

“That's good,” Hongbin tells him. “I'm unattached,” he gives a self-deprecating grin, “as you've probably guessed.”

Wonshik looks up, and smiles back, because Hongbin seems to have that kind of effect on him. “I might have had an inkling,” he admits.

“Let's talk about something else,” Hongbin suggests, sitting up in his seat. He rests his elbows on his knees, and as he pushes up his sleeves, Wonshik catches a glimpse of more of his tattoos.

Hongbin sees him looking. “Shall we talk about tattoos, instead?” He smirks. “I can see that's what you're interested in.”

Wonshik flushes, but does not correct him. “If you want to.”

He rolls his eyes, but begins to unbutton his shirt, revealing the t-shirt underneath. “I'm not that shy.”

***

He doesn't mean to, but somehow, he manages to meet Hongbin at least once a week in the next few weeks. It seems to happen without him realising; they'll be texting, or Hongbin will call him, and one or the other will suggest something they know the other would like, and that's it – they're doing it.

They've gone to the movies, drunk endless amounts of coffee, played video games (which Wonshik is terrible at, but Hongbin brilliant), even gone to a theme park because Wonshik confessed he hasn't in years. He's pretty sure he sees more of Hongbin than Jaehwan.

Every time they do something together, he considers ending it – cutting Hongbin off, and committing to fixing his relationship with Jaehwan. But then Hongbin will say something funny, or be so kind that he finds he can't.

He even listens to his relationship problems, which he is sure he didn't ask for. He feels as if he is being torn in two directions; this friendship with Hongbin is dangerous. He knows that Hongbin likes him, and honestly? He likes him too, likes him in a way that could definitely develop into more if he let it.

And yet...Jaehwan grows more distant by the day. His stock answer to _I love you_ has become an exasperated _I know_ , as if he's fucking Han Solo. A quote he only knows, incidentally, because Hongbin forced him to watch all three of the original films, with his sarcastic commentary running in the background.

He honestly doesn't know what to do, but the stupid, scared part of him urges him to stay with Jaehwan. He's been with him for so long that he doesn't know how to be single anymore; he's too used to sharing his life with someone else. He's used to having someone to come home to, someone to bring with him to social gatherings.

He is not used to being just Wonshik. He is used to it being Wonshik-and-Jaehwan, and somehow, the idea of being by himself is scarier than anything else.

***

He hovers outside of the tattoo parlour for a moment, biting his bottom lip. He shouldn't really be here – he doesn't have an appointment booked, and he and Daniel are friendly, but not _that_ friendly. All he did was casually mention that he was thinking of another one, and Hongbin told him he'd catch him if he came by now.

So he did, because he's a sucker who finds that Hongbin is the only person who makes him feel comfortable now. All of his other friends are also friends of Jaehwan; while they are supportive, they make him feel as if their relationship problems are _his_ fault. And he's not sure they are, but he can hardly say that, when he is daily getting closer to a man he knows would kiss him instantly, if he asked him to.

Hongbin looks up when he enters, grinning. “Couldn't stay away, could you?”

His septum ring is flipped down today, and he is only wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt. All of the tattoos on his arms are on display. He swallows. “Nope,” he mutters, trying not to make his interest obvious. “It's like a sickness.”

Hongbin hums in response. “Don't need to tell me that,” he says easily. “I'm too far gone to save.” He grins, and Wonshik can't help but think it is a double entendre of some kind – or perhaps he just wants it to be. “Anyway,” Hongbin continues, “if it's Dan you're looking for, you just missed him.” He gives an apologetic little frown.

Wonshik tries to look disappointed, but he is fairly sure that he just looks nervous. “Yeah, I was.” He sighs. Well, there goes his excuse. He's just about to think up another reason for hanging around, when Hongbin gives him a thoughtful look.

“I'm done for today. Do you want to go for a drink, or something?” He asks, as he shrugs on his coat. “You look like you could use one.”

Wonshik doesn't really drink – he's not that big a drinker in general, and since Jaehwan abstains due to the alcoholism in his family, he never really finds himself around alcohol. But tonight, Hongbin is right. He could use a drink. He could use some company.

And, if he's honest, the only company he really wants right now is Hongbin. There is something about the other man he finds so compelling, and though he knows he should stay away – that he shouldn't be risking his relationship by spending time with a man he finds all too attractive – he can't.

“Yeah. Let's do that,” he says. Hongbin smiles at him, his grin lighting up his face. Wonshik's stomach swoops in the way it always does when Hongbin smiles.

“There's a good bar within walking distance.”

***

Hongbin is laughing, his head thrown back, and all Wonshik can focus on is the beautiful, spiralling pattern on his neck. Before he can stop it, his gaze is travelling down to where the words spill over his collarbones. There is something about the way his tattoos disappear under the neck of his t-shirt, hidden but not forgotten. It's so sexy that he can't stop thinking about what Hongbin looks like underneath that shirt.

He gulps down his drink in an attempt to distract himself, but it doesn't help. He's still picturing his mouth against that tattooed skin.

Jaehwan doesn't have any tattoos. He's always scoffed at his love of them, told him he'd regret them in the end. Hongbin is a very different matter, always happy to discuss future ones, encouraging his tentative plans.

“Daniel's really amazing at delicate line-work, but if you're looking for colour, then I can recommend a few people,” Hongbin is saying, and he looks up, a little dazed. “I've got a couple of friends who'd suit you.”

“What about you?” Wonshik asks, already guiltily formulating a plan to spend time with Hongbin. “Do you do colour?”

Hongbin looks surprised. “You'd want me to do it?”

Wonshik laughs, leaning forward. He knows he is making his attraction obvious – that he's sending the wrong signals when he's taken, and that he should really sit down and shut up. But he can't. No one's been this interested in him for years.

To be honest, he doesn't really remember Jaehwan ever being this animated around him. He was always the enthusiastic one, suggesting dates and things to do, coming up with topics he thought Jaehwan would be interested in. He still does it – Jaehwan has been so distant lately, so hard to talk to, that he finds himself only talking about things Jaehwan will respond to.

He hates it, if he's honest. It feels like he's repressed all of his own personality into a tiny, Jaehwan-approved package. If Jaehwan responds in a way that isn't positive, then he worries that he is being annoying. It is pathetic, but it is the reality he lives in.

His tattoos – those precious moments when it's all about his design, and his skin – are almost a form of rebellion, a permanent form of self-expression Jaehwan cannot prevent him from having.

“I'd _love_ you to do it,” he says, aware that he's making it sound like an invitation. He's not entirely sure that it isn't one. If he's honest, the thought of being in close proximity with Hongbin for several straight hours is enough to make him sign up for another tattoo right there and then. He thinks he could take the extended pain of colourwork on his spine if it was Hongbin doing it.

Hongbin looks surprised, but pleased, his smile shy. “I'm not as good as the people I was going to recommend,” he warns.

Wonshik shrugs. “You have to get good somehow. I'll be your guinea pig.”

“You might come to regret it,” Hongbin laughs, but sobers quickly. “Look, are you sure?” He says, looking earnest. Wonshik finds that he is desperate to touch him, his gaze fixed on the outline of his muscular arms underneath his shirt. He's so slim, you wouldn't expect him to be quite so muscular. “I don't mind if you want to back out.”

Wonshik swallows, a prickle of shame running through him. Why is he so focused on Hongbin? It's not fair to him, and it's especially not fair to Jaehwan – what the hell would he think of him, if he knew what was going through his mind right now? “I really would like you to do it, but you don't have to,” he mutters, forcing his gaze away. He stares at the bartender instead, who is not half as attractive as Hongbin is.

***

“Where were you?” Jaehwan asks, not sounding particularly interested. He does not even look up from his laptop when Wonshik leans down to kiss him on the cheek.

“I went for a drink with a friend,” Wonshik says. He does not mention that the friend is Hongbin. His guilt would be too obvious.

“Oh, right,” Jaehwan hums to himself. “That's nice.”

Wonshik feels a faint flash of irritation. _That's nice?_ That's all he gets? What happened to being interested in your partner's life?

He can't really remember the last time he and Jaehwan had an extended conversation, or the last time they had sex that wasn't a quickie in the morning.

“What about you?” He forces himself to ask, because he's not petty. “Did you do anything fun today?”

Jaehwan shrugs, but the gesture seems stiff and unnatural. “Nothing much,” he says. He looks up and gives him an absent smile. “Had a day to myself, I guess.”

Something about the way he says it – or perhaps his manner in general – sets alarms bells off in Wonshik's head. He finds that he does not believe him, though he could not say why.

***

He sits on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands as his chest heaves with sobs. The extent of Jaehwan's betrayal is obvious in those texts, the seriousness of this other relationship clear in the way he talks. He sounds so much more eager, so much more _interested_ when he talks to this person.

No wonder he's stopped answering Wonshik's texts in a timely manner. He's got someone far more fun to talk to.

It all makes sense, now. Jaehwan's constant absences, the way he seems to have checked out of the more intimate parts of his relationship. The times when he has come home, and smelt vaguely floral, or the times their bed has seemed too rumpled to have simply been slept in.

The idea of them having sex in _their_ bed makes him feel sick. Did Jaehwan just not care? Did he not even think of how much this would hurt him? Even at his worst – even when he has been so attracted to Hongbin, he has almost kissed him – he never considered sleeping with him in their bed. That is the worst thing he can think of.

He's not sure how he managed to ignore it for so long. He's become so good at making excuses, at finding ways to explain things that are so suspicious, anyone else would have left months ago.

But not him. God, he's pathetic. He should have screwed Hongbin _weeks_ ago.

Immediately, he is hit with a wave of remorse. That would be so completely unfair to Hongbin, he can't even stomach the thought.

***

Somehow he finds his car keys in his hand without any conscious thought. He stumbles out of his home, forgetting even a coat as he makes a beeline to his car. He's going to Hongbin's; that much he knows, because he can't think of anyone else he'd rather be with.

Hongbin opens the door on the first buzz of the doorbell, looking rumpled, confused – but sexy. Sexier than he has any right to be, wearing an Xbox headset. He fumbles with it for a moment, setting it down somewhere behind him. “Hey,” he says, with a concerned look on his face. “You ok?”

“He's been cheating on me,” he chokes, “for months, at least.”

Hongbin's eyes widen to comical proportions. “Fucking hell.”

He can't help but kiss him then, his sympathetic _I'm so sorry_ lost in his mouth. Hongbin is stiff, unyielding. Wonshik can sense that he wants to kiss back – but he doesn't. He pulls away, takes a step back, and looks at him.

“Are you still with Jaehwan?” He asks evenly.

Wonshik can feel his cheeks reddening. “Yes, but – ”

“Then we're not doing this,” Hongbin says firmly. “I like you, and you know that. I assume that's why you kissed me. But I'm not fucking you so you can feel you've got one up on Jaehwan. I don't do that shit.”

He looks so angry that Wonshik's stomach drops wildly. He's fucked up. He shouldn't have kissed him, he knows – but did he really mean it as revenge?

A small part of him did, but doesn't Hongbin realise how he's been slowly falling for him too? He's been trying to pretend he hasn't, but he knows the truth – just as he knew that Jaehwan had checked out of their relationship a long time ago. “I didn't do it just for that,” he says in a small voice, and Hongbin's shoulders hunch.

He stalks off into the kitchen, and Wonshik follows, his heart thudding. Eventually, Hongbin responds.

“I'm not interested in being your rebound, especially when you haven't even broken with him yet.” He thuds two mugs down on the counter with a clatter, and Wonshik watches as he angrily pulls the box of teabags out of the cupboard. His hands are shaking, and Wonshik's heart aches. “I would ask if you're going to, but we all know you're not,” he says, his voice cold and hard.

“What do you mean?” Wonshik asks, a little afraid. “Of course I'm going to!”

Hongbin scoffs. “Please. He'll make up some excuse, and you'll go running back to him because you still love him, and you're afraid of being alone. He's been using you for years, and you _let_ him do it because it's easier. Don't you know how much you're actually worth?” They stare at each other for a moment, and Wonshik doesn't dare to breathe. He thinks this might hurt more than finding out Jaehwan has been cheating on him for almost a year. No one is ever this honest with him, mainly because he refuses to listen.

But he's listening now. He doesn't think he could move, even if he wanted to.

Hongbin takes a deep breath. “He's not worth it, Wonshik,” he says, in a kinder tone. Wonshik wants to cry, because it's not up to Hongbin to be nice to him – though he always is. “You should have dumped him ages ago. He feeds off you running after him like a puppy. That's the only reason he stayed. I know the type,” he adds bitterly.

“You don't know him,” Wonshik mumbles, but the words sound hollow even to his own ears. He knows Hongbin is at least partially right.

“I don't need to. You've told me enough.” Hongbin sighs, and pours hot water in both mugs. They are silent for a moment, refusing to look at each other.

“He called me Jinyoung in bed once,” Wonshik says suddenly, and Hongbin looks at him, eyes widening in surprise. “I pretended not to hear, but, well – I did,” he finishes awkwardly. “I've never felt more humiliated in my life, but I was so scared he'd leave me.”

“Do you know him?” Hongbin hands him a mug.

Wonshik takes it with both hands, cradling it close to his chest. He shakes his head. “Her,” he says quietly.

“Oh.” Hongbin looks down at his own mug. “Did you – did you know he was bisexual?”

“Yes.” Wonshik does not elaborate. He doesn't see the point. What will explaining Jaehwan's sexuality do to help how truly shit he feels right now?

“I really am sorry,” Hongbin says softly. “But I can't leap into bed with you when I know you're just doing it to make yourself feel better. I've been there before, and – well, it's not worth it. You won't feel good about it after.”

Wonshik knows he's right, but he finds that he's still bitterly disappointed. He can't help thinking that there is no way he could regret sleeping with Hongbin. “I really do like you.”

“I know,” Hongbin smiles awkwardly, “but sloppy seconds aren't my style.” He looks at his feet. “I'd rather be someone's first choice.”

The way he says it makes Wonshik suspect he isn't often most people's first choice, and he feels a fresh surge of guilt. He's got himself into a real mess here, and if Hongbin hadn't pulled away, god knows what he might have done.

He is quite ashamed of himself.

***

The breakup is quite anticlimactic, in the end. There is one, brief slanging match in which Wonshik raises his voice and tries not to cry, and Jaehwan does not even try to pretend he hasn't cheated. It is clear that their relationship is over, for good.

Jaehwan doesn't even say sorry.

He moves out within two days, Wonshik piling up all of his stuff by the door in one of his angrier moments. He spends the rest of the time in bed, trying not to cry and resisting the urge to call Hongbin.

He desperately wants to. He knows that Hongbin will be kind and understanding – that he will listen, and tell him it's not fair. His other friends are doing the same – they've been very sweet – but they aren't as divorced from the situation as Hongbin is. Hongbin is completely on _his_ side.

But even if he did call, he's not sure Hongbin would pick up. There is a very large chance he will try to kiss him again. In fact, he knows that is exactly what he's going to do, and Hongbin was right. He'd just regret it, in the end. He would feel dirty and manipulative – no better than Jaehwan, in the end.

So he stays in bed, orders takeout, and doesn't go to the gym for five straight days. By the end of it, he feels so gross and exhausted, that when Taekwoon offers to come to the gym with him, he accepts. He knows that it is not a genuine offer – he has clearly been bullied into offering by someone (most likely Hakyeon) – but he'll take anything, right now.

The workout is intense, but all the better for it. He can't think about anything but the burning in his lungs, and the stretch in his muscles, and when Taekwoon asks if he feels any better in the changing room, he nods. “I do.”

“I'm glad,” Taekwoon says. He pauses for a moment, his towel still resting on his wet hair. He looks so ridiculous, that Wonshik actually cracks a smile. “I'm really sorry, you know.”

Wonshik shrugs, feeling uneasy. He doesn't want to talk about it. “It's not your fault. You didn't cheat on me,” he says evenly. 

“Well, no.” Taekwoon gives him an odd look. He's never really been comfortable with Wonshik's sexuality, he knows. But to his credit, he tries. “But I feel like I should have said something.”

“Did you know he was cheating on me?” Wonshiks asks, suddenly suspicious. He doesn't think he could take it if _everyone_ knew. It would kill him, to be humiliated in that way.

Taekwoon shakes his head. “No. But it was obvious something was going on. I just thought it was something you could figure out.”

Wonshik gives a dark laugh. “You can't figure out him falling in love with someone else, but continuing to be with me because I own the house.” He smiles bitterly. “Because we all know that's why he stayed with me for so long.” He rubs his own towel through his hair briefly, not really caring if it actually dries his hair. It's just a distraction technique. “I'm beginning to wonder if that's why he started dating me to start with.”

“Do you really think that?” Taekwoon asks.

He swallows. “I don't know,” he says honestly. “I don't know anything any more.”

Taekwoon awkwardly pats him on the back, and Wonshik has to smile, because the gesture might be half-hearted, but it is genuinely meant. “You'll find someone better.”

Secretly, Wonshik thinks he already has – if Hongbin ever wants to speak to him again, that is.

***

A month or so later, and he finds himself back at the studio, lying on his front in the familiar leather chair. Daniel is bent over his back, his gloved fingers cold as he presses the stencil down. “Okay,” he says, peeling the paper back. “Have a look and tell me if the positioning's right.”

Wonshik stands up and wanders over to the mirror, twisting his shoulders to look at the image on his back. He moves it this way and that, checking that it is exactly where he envisioned it. Smiling, he turns back to Daniel. “It's perfect.”

The other man laughs in response. “I haven't even started it yet,” he says wryly, “don't count your chickens before they've hatched.”

He shrugs. “I know it's what I want,” he says confidently. Since Jaehwan left, he's been trying to do things he enjoys. It hasn't been easy – it's hard to shrug off Jaehwan's scornful dismissals of everything he finds fun – but he's been trying. He needs to find a way to be himself.

It might be a cheesy saying, but it's true. You can't be in a healthy relationship unless you love yourself first, and he has a terrible tendency of letting his partner come first in everything. Jaehwan took advantage of that, and look where that led him.

“Come back, then,” the tattoo artist says, and obediently, he lies back down. Daniel begins preparing the needle and ink, and Wonshik watches, eyes unfocused. He's drifting a little, until Daniel speaks again. “I heard about you and Jaehwan,” he says quietly. “I'm really sorry.”

He swallows, his heart thudding painfully as it always does when his ex is mentioned. “It's fine.” The words come unbidden; he's got so used to saying them, that it doesn't even matter that they're not true. It's just what everyone wants to hear.

Daniel gives him a searching look. “Hongbin said he was a right asshole.”

Wonshik laughs. That sounds like Hongbin. “I guess he was.”

“All's well that ends well, I suppose.” Daniel smiles. “Let's get started, shall we?”

***

He fumbles with his wallet for a moment, tugging it out of his back pocket. “Thanks, again,” he beams. “It's perfect.”

Daniel grins as he sets up the card reader. “I'm just glad you like it.” He holds a hand out for his card, and Wonshik hands it over. “Will we be seeing you soon, or is this it for you?” He teases, a twinkle in his eye. He knows they'll see him again in a matter of months; he's got the bug, now. You can never just have _one_ tattoo.

Wonshik focuses on typing his PIN into the machine. He's trying to work up the courage to ask where Hongbin is, and this is the perfect segue – but somehow, he's still hesitant. He takes a deep breath. “Well, I was discussing one with Hongbin. You know, because he does colour.” Daniel looks surprised, but nods all the same. “But I haven't seen him around lately,” he adds, a little helplessly.

He doesn't mention the constant tug of war he has with his brain about whether or not to text him. He doesn't want Daniel to know just how pathetic he actually is.

Daniel immediately adopts a grave expression. “Oh, you won't have. He's taken some time off for bereavement. His grandmother died, and apparently they were very close. I think she practically raised him, so, understandably, he's devastated.”

Wonshik feels like he's been punched in the stomach. He's spent all of this time wallowing, worrying about Hongbin doesn't want him any more – and all of this time, he's been in serious pain. He knows just how much Hongbin loves – _loved_ – his grandmother. She was the only real parent he's ever really known.

“God,” he chokes out. “I'm so sorry.”

His card has finished processing, and he takes it out. Daniel rips the receipt out, and hands it to him. “Yeah, it's awful. “We all feel really bad for him.”

***

When Hongbin opens the door, his eyes are red, and his skin has a sallow cast to it. His hair is a mess, and his septum ring is askew in a way that Wonshik finds strangely adorable. He is the very picture of grief, and Wonshik's heart goes out to him.

“Wonshik?” Hongbin's voice is hoarse, though whether it is from lack of sleep or crying, Wonshik cannot tell. “What are you doing here?”

“I heard about your grandma,” he says, “and I'm really, really sorry. I had to see if you were okay. I know how much she meant to you.” The words are heartfelt, but he can see the suspicion in Hongbin's eyes. He knows that Hongbin is not used to people coming to him for unselfish reasons.

But this time, he is genuinely here just to see if he's okay. He would never attempt to seduce him, knowing he is in this much emotional pain.

“I was going to text you,” Hongbin says. He sniffs, and wipes his nose off with the back of his hand. It should be gross, but all Wonshik can focus on is the tiny, brilliantly coloured swallow on his wrist. Without asking, he knows it is to commemorate his grandmother. “But everything just got too much, and...I didn't.” He looks up. “Do you want to come in? I don't have much in, but I should have something to drink...”

Wonshik nods. “You sit down. I'll make it,” he says firmly. Forcefully – but gently – he places his hands on Hongbin's shoulders, and steers him towards the sofa. Hongbin thuds down on it lifelessly.

He looks so dejected and hopeless, sitting there on the sofa, that Wonshik is overwhelmed with the urge to hug him, or at least comfort him in some way. “Where are your family?” He asks softly. “Haven't your friends been round, at least?”

Hongbin nods. “My friends come round every other day to check up on me. And my family?” He laughs quietly. “I'd rather not be around them right now. It's better to be on my own.”

The tea forgotten, Wonshik sits down next to him on the sofa. “You can't be alone with this,” he tells him, realising how lucky he is to have parents who have been there for him throughout this whole Jaehwan nightmare. “It doesn't work like that.”

Hongbin shrugs. “I'm fine,” he says, his hands shaking. “I will be fine,” he amends, when he sees Wonshik watching him.

“You're not fine,” Wonshik tells him firmly, “and that's okay.” He wants to say something stupid, like _you should have told me_ , but he has no right to. Why should Hongbin have told him? They've only known each other for a matter of months. Their intimacy is only an illusion.

“I should be,” Hongbin mutters to himself. “I've got to get back to real life sometime. My grandmother would hate me for moping.”

“I think she'd be touched that it's affecting you so much,” Wonshik says, awkwardly earnest. “I mean, from what you've told me – she was basically both of your parents.”

Hongbin swallows, hard, wiping his eyes again. He nods, but doesn't say anything. Wonshik doesn't think that he can bring himself to speak.

“I broke up with Jaehwan,” he says suddenly, to fill the silence. He knows it's not what Hongbin wants to hear, but some selfish urge to tell him – to hear what he has to say – springs up in him. “You were right. He was an asshole.”

“I never said he was an _asshole_ ,” Hongbin interjects dryly, voice hoarse. “I merely alluded to it.” He pats him awkwardly. “Good for you.”

“I think he's moved in with his girlfriend.” Wonshik has not told anyone else this, and he cringes at the very thought. “I don't know how I missed it,” he adds quietly. “I guess I'm blind.”

“No,” Hongbin says kindly, “you just wanted things to be okay. He had a habit of making you feel small, and when your confidence is constantly knocked like that, it's hard to think of why anyone else would want you.” He gives a wry smile. “Trust me, I know.”

Wonshik looks over at him then, his hands on his knees. He is seized by that terrible, familiar urge to kiss him again, but that would inappropriate. “Sorry for bringing it up,” he mutters, “I know it's not relevant to you. I just – I couldn't think of telling anyone else,” he says, painfully, selfishly honest.

Hongbin gives him a look, that – for half a second – he reads as him telling him that it _is_ relevant. “S'ok,” he sighs. “God knows I could do with the distraction.”

Wonshik leans forward then, and takes his hand. “I can distract you, if you want. I have plenty of dumb stories to tell you, and if you want, I'll even play Overwatch with you – but you'll beat me every time.”

“You don't have to,” Hongbin looks supremely uncomfortable, as if accepting sympathy from another person is something he is ill accustomed to. Wonshik is sure that this has been making this whole horrible situation worse for him.

“I want to,” he says firmly.

Hongbin chuckles, his voice still sounding scratchy. “Then prepare to get your ass kicked, multiple times.”

Wonshik thinks he can learn to live with that, if it's Hongbin doing the kicking.

 

_Two months later_

Hongbin leans over him, tattoo gun held in one hand. His hair is falling in his eyes, and Wonshik would love to push it out of the way for him – but he doesn't, because he wouldn't like to mess up his concentration. Not when there is a tattoo at stake.

He scoots a little closer, the wheels of his stool clacking against the tiles. “So,” he starts casually – _too_ casually, if Wonshik is honest, “does this count as our first date?”

Wonshik laughs, and Hongbin tuts. “Keep still. Do you want me to fuck this up?” He rolls his eyes, but flashes a smile at him all the same. “Well?”

The buzzing of the needle starts up again, as Wonshik thinks carefully. “I don't think so,” he says, watching as the outline of the tattoo he and Hongbin so painstakingly designed takes shape on his skin. “I'd rather take you somewhere that wasn't work.”

Hongbin doesn't look up, but he can see the grin curling at the corners of his lips as he concentrates on an extra-defined curve. “Are you paying, then?”

It's a joke between them now, because in the months between this, and Hongbin's grandmother's death, they have gone out several times, but refused to label it a date. Hongbin has also learned that Wonshik can be incredibly tight-arsed when it comes to spending his hard-earned cash.

“If it's _actually_ a date, I will,” Wonshik teases.

“Okay then,” Hongbin hums, “you can take me out after we finish this. You're my last appointment anyway.” He flashes another grin. Wonshik feels his stomach drop pleasurably; it's nice to be able to find Hongbin attractive without all the guilt now.

“You did that deliberately,” he accuses, glaring at him with mock anger over his shoulder. Hongbin shrugs.

“Maybe,” Hongbin leans closer, turning quickly to check the original design on the table next to him. He flashes a grin at him. “But you'll never prove it.”


End file.
